The Obtainable Illusion.

Sweet seductively taunting freedom! How you have aroused my interest from the moment I awoken from a tumultuous ridden slumber. With every passing second of every tick and every millisecond of every tock, our meeting became vivid. As I step out the arch way of servitude into the air of the fresh yet overcast scenery, I embrace you with a deep breath. Freedom why do you do this to me. You have become a mental, physical, emotional and spiritual direction that drives me from day to day. Addicted to you I am.

I sometimes wonder. Is the dance in which we are engaged ever going to end? Will i ever grow tired of exerting myself to the point of no longer realizing that i am exerted? Exerted from the almost blind like movements towards any remnants  of your presence, like a humming bird tirelessly flying from wilted, dried out petunias searching for nectar. Will you eventually like a orphaned kitten, give up hope and abandon me? Leaving me trapped in a gravitron like loophole, stuck in a cross between a futile sedated stupor and a delusions of grandeur dressed hopeless romantic wearing rose colored glasses. 

Your lover is destiny. It too is like you. In fact, you work hand in hand, for i believe in it and i chase you and vice versa. Your offspring are chaos, peace, joy, and loneliness. I am sure there are more. I have had an encounter with chaos the most in my pursuit of you and your mate. It has cast a vengeance over the world like a pissed off demi-god looking for Zeus. It is the disgruntled  child that doesn’t want to be like you, yet imitates your practices like a jealous apprentice would his master. The more I look and the closer i get to you, the greater it’s onslaught. It is without a shadow of doubt your doppelganger

How i could confess to you; everything that i have been through for the chance to be wrapped up in you, like that cold, brisk afternoon on the fifth day on second month in the year of the dragon. But you have no destination, because the destination is you. And with that you are in constant motion. Sadly, I am not your first pursuer and i will not be the last. My children and their children and the children will constantly search you out in a different capacity. So as i type this memoir, you like the scent of a childhood smell in my memories, drift ever further. But I will not cease. I can not cease. For, addicted to you I am.

The Drive pt1.

As i begin my descent down the concrete path, the almost taunting crack traveling the distance from the start of the drive way to the road that i travel everyday; I noticed that today was just a bit different. It was small and in any other person’s eyes insignificant. But to me it might as well have been a 747 barrel rolling towards me, with all engines a blaze. But on this day I couldn’t waste time on something that at any other time would have been worth a pondering. Today, I was to begin something that I had plotted and thoroughly thought through for about a year now. A move that once bought to fruition, would drastically change my world and some of those around me. This ride was to be one that I wouldn’t need a rear view mirror for.

The forecast was unreliable as always. To be honest, I think back to how the ancients of the world foretold the impending changes in their respectable atmospheres without relying on “advanced technology” or a so called “expert”. Neither here nor there, I had started to prepare myself for whatever may come when I became a teenager. I suppose in a subconsciously foreshadowing decision, I had opted to very rarely rely on those that claimed to know something when they themselves reeked of uncertainty.

E^2 (Ethereal Enigma)

E^2 (Ethereal Enigma)

I have theorized with the intensity of a nuclear physicists of whether your existence is real and if you are obtainable. 

I listen to those who come before me tell tale of belief in you from close encounters with you or taking congregation with your prescence.

Those who have come after me believe that you merely exist or don’t exist based on circumstance.

The closer I get to you, the more I can feel you reaching out to me or are you reaching inside?

Do I suffer from delusions of grandeur or is there an inevitability to our meeting?

Opposition in the form of man, self, and situational unpredictability pulls me away, skewing my perception of you.

I fight what I want in you and you remain steadfast and proving to me your validity.

You invade my sleep or even a spare moment I have to myself.

Dopamine runs through my cortex and coerces me to drift with it on this ride that is you and everything you represent and offer.

I have traveled through the darkest of terrains lost, where the journey started out in pursuit of you.

You are not in my thoughts no longer, you have manifested and are at my finger tips. 

I can feel you, smell you, taste your vibrancy in the nerves connecting my central to the rest of me.

I am now addicted to immersing myself in your form and inner workings that I have been informed of since being that little boy playing with his toys by himself.

To now being that man who mercilessly fought through hell and brimstone to get to you.

Only to find out that you were waiting for me to come and not only find you but rescue you from being abandoned and lost.

I don’t know anything concrete of you, but I know you.

As the time of fullfillment comes down the boulevard riddled with minor bothers and irrelevance, I can’t believe you actually exist.

You and those like you throughout time have caused a general stigma.

I now know the reason the passage is promised to most and the destination reached by few when it comes to an ethereal enigma.

Trinket.

Trinket.

I’m loading something in a customers car at work, and i get the look i have grown accustom to. You know the one where there is that awkward silence between when you are indirectly interacting with a person and when you part. I look and i see that face of confusion and curiosity. They want to ask and yet they don’t. The internal conversation begins as they become transfixed on my wrist and the 38 small plastic orbs and 4 larger plastic orbs. The blue crystal like heart attached to the elastic that brings it all full circle around my arm glistens faintly from the light that hits it. Few have asked and few have assumed. All were polite and those that inquired were answered. But none know the true significance of this little bracelet that hangs from my being day in and day out.

As I am doing my morning push ups i hear the contact between the plastic of this trinket here. It never leaves my person. Whether i am showering, reading, writing, playing ball, working, or even brushing my teeth, it is right there making that light sound it makes whenever i move enough for there to be a reaction. That small event between whatever I am doing and this trinket here is a small summary to something that is far more indicative of my reasoning for the motives that drive me. This trinket here, is the little voice that says good morning to me when i roll out of bed when i get ready for work. This trinket here, is that song that i hear up and down the halls of my residence when i get home. This trinket here, is the laughter that fills the air when I am the source of the outburst. This trinket here, tells me it’s okay and that I am a hero when i feel anything but. This trinket here, comforts me when I am by myself and begin to think of all the adversity i face that casts uncertainty and self-doubt. This trinket here, is what i smile at when i envision myself walking across that stage to accept that degree and look out and see glistening eyes and an unconditional loving smile. This trinket here, is the sound of feet trotting down the steps to greet me and engulf me with warmth and acceptance. This trinket here, A thousand years by Christina Perri blaring. This trinket here, is part of a part of me.

I wear this trinket here like a person who has trouble seeing wears eye glasses. I wear this trinket here to remind me of why i bought it in the first place. I wear this trinket here as a badge. I wear this trinket here like a knight wears their armor prepared for battle. I wear this trinket here for that little boy who won’t get to tell his mommy good morning, good night, happy birthday, or show her the accomplishments he has achieved. I rock this trinket here, because it serves as the ultimate object to raze any mental obstacle that may get in the way of my purpose. I rock this trinket here on my right wrist, because everything i do with my hands starts with my right hand. And like my dominant hand, everything i do in my life is done because of what this trinket here epitomizes when I am alone. I rock this trinket here like a one of a kind Rolex. I rock this trinket here to etch The time of 10:39 am, On the weekday of Friday, On the date numbered at 12, In the month of April in my daily routine. I’ll rock this trinket here until it breaks. I rock these 42 orbs and little crystal heart strung together by a thin but strong piece of elastic, because when my eyes come in contact with it, i go back to the day a bond was forged, and a journey was embarked upon. I will rock this trinket here when i have more children to serve as a reminder that what this small and menial bracelet represents, is what built me into the man I am now and the man I am going to be. A father, a husband, friend, teacher, successful, wealthy(not monetarily), happy and at peace. I’ll rock this trinket here until it breaks. I rock this trinket here because every instant i stare into that heart i see my princess’ face.

The Mysterious Promising Journey

The Mysterious Promising Journey

 Uncertainty is a integral part of human civilization. We are uncertain about almost everything in our lives. From what to wear to what the next move is that we should make and everything in between. I find that this comes from the fear of. The fear of failing, the fear of the unknown, the fear of succeeding only to have it taken away from you, to the fear of actually getting what we deserve and not knowing what to do with it. As the optimistic, over-analytical, over-thinking, emotional, ambivert that I am; I like plenty others like myself are constantly uncertain. Especially after having to go through hell like situations and circumstances. It is hard to not necessarily let go of the past but make a decision towards what may be the key to our success in the future, after learning the lessons from those decisions. But now that we know what not to do, what now? Granted, life doesn’t have a handbook and we learn from trial and error. But for some of us or should i say rather most of us in life, have certain obligations and obstacles that either cause us to have to forge another path in addition to the one we have already started,  just to get to where we need to go.

There is a difference between being indecisive and being uncertain. If you don’t know the difference i suggest you look up the definitions. The two sometimes get confused because they are very similar, almost indistinguishable at times. I am decided on  what i need to do to achieve the goals aspirations i have set for myself to be in the best position attainable, so i can live my life while making an almost stress free life for my daughter. However,  i am uncertain on what awaits me at almost every turn because one wrong move, one slightly miscalculated step could lead me back to where i was or even worse. Even in all that, I have learned to except what is meant to be will be and what is meant to happen will happen. Because if I have not perished as a result of all that has presented itself to me in the many horrid forms i have witnessed, then my purpose has yet to be fulfilled and my fight isn’t over and greater things are coming sooner than i may think. Even if they are not when i want them to. So i forge ahead, with my sometimes sunny disposition, optimistic views, and nerve wrecking uncertainty. Because in life the journeys that are worth travelling have the most obstacles, the most set backs, the longest periods of sitting still and waiting, the biggest heartaches, the hardest loses and the greatest rewards once completed. I use to wearily approach taking a journey where it was a mystery what the path(s) consisted of or where they lead to. Now i am fueled and motivated by the mysterious journey that waits me because I’ve traveled quite a few before and have been defined and built into the man, no, the human being that I am at present moment. And i know that this won’t be the only one that i take and that i will not be the same as i was before i embarked on it, but i will be better and more knowledgeable.

So in closing, It’s okay to be uncertain because it makes you evaluate yourself time and time again and causes you to be a better you. What’s not okay is being complacent and comfortable with mediocrity because you don’t know what lies a head. Forge ahead and i promise that one path you take on that one journey could become the staple in what becomes the rest of your life. And you may be surprised at what an amazing and capable person you are! And you’ll love it!

Cheers!

The Atypical Gent